


my life, my love, my only.

by lrhskinnyjeans



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Marriage, Non-Graphic Violence, Smut, also like v minor past styfford, i suck at tagging im sorry, like barely though, not a happy ending im sORRY
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-07
Updated: 2016-09-07
Packaged: 2018-08-13 13:09:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7977859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lrhskinnyjeans/pseuds/lrhskinnyjeans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke remembers everything, from the way Michael would roll his clothes instead of folding them, to how his breathing sounded when he was asleep. His laugh was etched into his mind, and his smile had carved itself into Luke's soul, his sparking green eyes were engraved into the deepest depths of his brain and he couldn't get it out.  He remembers it all, and that's the problem. Luke doesn't want to remember anymore. He just wants to forget.</p>
            </blockquote>





	my life, my love, my only.

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from 'Never Stop' by Safetysuit.
> 
> Just a forewarning that this will be pretty sad, so be careful while reading it. Feedback would be so greatly appreciated!!  
> My tumblr is lrhbabyblues if yall wanna come yell at me about this or something xx

Luke remembers when he first met Michael. 

 

He remembers being in year six and walking down the obnoxiously bright lit hallway. The soles of his beat up tennis shoes squeaking against the dirty linoleum floor was the only sound standing out against the stark silence. He remembers that the almost silence was broken when he passed the old art room. Small sniffles and watery sobs could be heard through the other side of the cracked open door.

 

Luke remembers how when he pushed the squeaky door open, a head of dirty blonde hair shot up from between its knees. He remembers staring at the boy with the watery green eyes and red-bitten lips for a full minute before doing anything at all (who could blame him honestly, the boy was absolutely angelic). He remembers the sheer embarrassment and anger on the beautiful boy's face as he shouted at Luke to leave, throwing the nearest object at him (it was only a paintbrush thankfully). Luke remembers quickly closing the door and rushing down the hallway to his math class wondering why the boy had to be so mean, Luke was only trying to help. 

 

Luke remembers how from that day on the two boys had seemed to be sworn enemies. Michael would send Luke glares from the lunch table where he sat with a small brown boy with a blindingly bright smile. Luke would send them right back, as he rolled his eyes and talked to his friends about how dumb Michael was, with his stupid long fringe and his exceedingly pale skin. 

 

Luke remembers when summer came and ended, and he was back in school again. He remembers walking to his first class as a high schooler and sitting in the far corner of the room. He also remembers when the brown boy, with the blindingly bright smile, the same one who seemed to be Michael's best friend, sat next to him even though there was a whole classroom full of empty seats. He remembers how the boy gave him one of his signature smiles and introduced himself as Calum Hood. 

 

Luke remembers how as the year went on, he and the Maori boy became good friends, albeit not as good as Michael and Calum were, but good friends all the same. He remembers that as he and Calum got closer, Michael became more and more distant, often spending his days in the library alone, reading a comic book that he'd read a dozen times before. Luke felt a little bit guilty, but he told himself that he didn't really care, he and Michael were supposed to hate each other after all. 

 

Luke remembers that it was a cool September afternoon when Calum invited Luke to sleep over his house. He collected all of his xbox games and packed his bags to stay the night. He remembers being particularly excited and giddy to be spending the night with his new friend Calum, and when he arrived the two immediately started a game of Fifa. He remembers how in the middle of the game Calum got a text, and told Luke that he would be right back, before leaving his room and heading downstairs. 

 

Luke remembers that Calum entered the room with a smiling Michael (a rare sight to be seen in these past few months if Luke was being honest with himself). He also remembers how the smile immediately dropped off of his face when he saw Luke, and how he turned to Calum with a incredulous expression on his face and demanded to know why Luke was sitting in his spot on Calum's bed. 

 

He remembers how Calum dragged Michael out of the room, and how a few minutes later they reentered, Calum looking particularly smug and Michael looking slightly skeptical. The night was full of awkward exchanges and passive aggressive comments (mostly between Luke and Michael). 

 

Luke remembers when midnight came around, and they were getting settled for bed. He remembers how Calum gently pushed Michael off of the bed and told him to sleep on the floor because Luke was going to sleep in bed with Calum that night. Luke remembers the look of pure shock and hurt that etched its way onto Michaels face as he looked at his best friend. Michael got on the floor anyway and Luke and Calum bid each other goodnight while Michael stayed silent. 

 

Luke remembers that the alarm clock read 3:42 when he was woken up from his slumber. Small sniffles and quiet sobs were coming from the open window, and Luke squinted into the darkness before getting up and following the sound. He remembers how fragile Michael looked as his shoulders shook with quiet sobs, and his small balled up fists rubbed at those pretty green eyes that he had come to appreciate. Luke remembers never wanting to see Michael like that ever again. 

 

He remembers clambering through the window and sitting on the roof next to Michael, and slowly wrapping an arm around him. He remembers how Michael tried to push him off for about three full seconds before he melted into Luke's touch and buried his head into the crook of his neck. Small sobs escaped from his lips and he apologized profusely for the way he'd acted. Luke remembers Michael sharing all of his insecurities about his and Calums friendship with a wavering voice and shaky hands. He remembers rubbing Michaels back and reassuring him that everything was okay, before getting them both inside after Michael had calmed down. Luke remembers how they had both slept on the floor that night. 

 

He remembers how everything changed from that night on. The snarky comments and harsh stares quickly came to a stop, and they even started to have friendly conversation now and then. He remembers how it became Luke, Michael and Calum. The three were practically inseparable and Calum was quite happy with himself for this. Luke remembers finally feeling like he'd found the friends that he's wanted for his entire life. 

 

Luke remembers the day Michael told him he watched his YouTube covers. The taller boy bounded over to Luke during lunch with a large grin and sparkling eyes. He remembered Michael telling him that he loved his covers and they should do a few together, and maybe even start a band. Luke remembers blushing profusely and thanking him with a shy smile, before agreeing that making a band would be a good idea. Luke remembers inviting Michael over that day to make a cover for YouTube (he also remembers Calum somehow weaseling his way into that cover as well). 

 

Luke remembers when they made it a thing. He remembers uploading videos to hemmo1996 quite often, and they were even starting to get some views. He remembers how Michael took the liberty of naming their band 5 Seconds of Summer, and even making a Facebook page so it was official. The band that he Calum and Michael created had gained a small following, and they booked a gig. He remembered that they didn't have a drummer for that gig. 

 

Luke remembers trusting Michael when he said that he'd found a drummer to play the gig with them. He remembers that when he first met Ashton he was wearing a purple shirt and he said he didn't like Fifa all that much (Michael and insisted that this would be a problem but Luke convinced him to give Ashton a shot). He remembers that despite the fact that he didn't like Fifa, they all flowed instantly. 

 

Luke remembers how only 12 people showed up to their gig at the Annandale Hotel, but it was still the best night of their lives. He remembers that directly after the show, Calum got down on one knee and begged Ashton to join the band. Ashton did join the band, and 5 Seconds of Summer finally felt complete. 

 

He remembers how things started to really pick up from there, how he was skipping school to go to band practice and how the number of views on their videos started to skyrocket. He remembers Ashton being serious about making something of this band, and he worked them all to the bone. Luke remembers when they wrote their first original song, and how raw and vulnerable he felt when they posted a video of it on YouTube. 

 

Luke remembers the day Michael ran through the front door of Luke's house, with Ashton and Calum in tow. He remembers all three of the boys tackling him onto his couch yelling about how Louis Tomlinson from One Direction had tweeted about their song. Ashton was claiming this was their big break and and Luke remembers believing him. 

 

He remembers when the band decided to pack up and move to London, with only their suitcases and instruments. Luke remembers how his mum had insisted to come, and no matter how much Luke denied it, he was really thankful for that. Michael sat next to him on the plane, and he remembered the butterflies that flew around in his stomach when Michael grabbed his hand as the plane took off. 

 

Luke remembers that settling into their London home was hard. He also remembered that Michael took it the hardest. He remembers the nights that Michael would slip into his bed and lie his head on his chest, looking for comfort. He remembers how uncomfortable and squished the two teenage boys were in the small twin bed, but he also remembers not caring, because he enjoyed having Michael close to him, he alway has. 

 

He remembers that it was late January and the snow was falling when he and Michael shared their first kiss. He remembers that 'Six Feet Under The Stars' by All Time Low was playing in the background, and he remembers the way that Michael's lips tasted of mint and how he shivered when Luke placed his cold hands on his cheeks. Michael's breath fanned over his face when they pulled apart and a small smile formed on his full cherry lips. Luke remembers how Michael fell asleep with his head in the crook of Luke's neck. He remembers not being able to sleep that night, he remembers carefully shuffling out from under Michael, opting to sleep on the couch instead. 

 

Luke remembers the look on Michael's face the morning after Luke left him in his bed alone. He remembers how they became progressively awkward and distant since then. Instead of sitting next to Luke during car rides he sat next to Ashton, and instead of sleeping with Luke, he crawled into Calum's bed, in hopes that the Maori boy would put his mind at rest the way Luke did. He remembers thinking that he was the biggest mistake of his life (boy was he wrong). 

 

He remembers when they first started touring with One Direction. He remembers how he came to hate Harry Styles and his fixation on Michael. Luke remembers how Michael and Harry sat too close to each other on the couch, and how Michael was hanging off of Harry's every word. Michael was putty in Harry's hands and Luke remembers being so, so, jealous of that. He remembers the way Harry would discreetly touch Michael under the table when he thought no one was looking, and he remembers the shade of pink Michael's cheeks would blush when Harry would whisper something (probably dirty) in his ear. 

 

Luke remembers laying in a hotel bed the night before the last show of the tour, trying to drown out the sounds of the headboard banging against the wall and the moans of Harry's name escaping Michael's lips. He remembers being mad at Michael for not noticing that Harry was using him for sex, mad at him for not noticing that Harry didn't reciprocate the feelings that Michael had for him, but mostly for not noticing that he was the one in love with Michael. 

 

He remembers that must have dozed off at some point, because Luke remembers being awoken by the door closing. He remembers a soft thump, followed a few minutes of silence, that was broken by a soft whimper. He remembers climbing into bed with Michael and holding him until he fell asleep. Luke remembers that this was the first time he held Michael in months. He remembers how much he missed it. 

 

Luke remembers how things started going back to normal after that, Michael started joining him in bed again, and they were back to sitting a little bit too close to each other on the couch. He remembers how when they cuddled, they kissed more often then not, and how they held hands a lot more than they used to. Luke remembers being terrified of asking Michael to be his boyfriend (and Calum and Ashton telling him to stop being a baby). He remembers how when he asked Michael, his words came out stuttered and he couldn't look him in the eye. He remembers Michael grinning and calling him an idiot before kissing him so hard that Luke nearly fell over. 

 

He remembers the first time that he and Michael had sex. It was in a hotel room somewhere in Chicago, just over a year after they began dating. Luke remembers how insecure Michael felt, and how upset that made him. He remembers kissing every inch of his boyfriend's pale skin, and worshiping the shorter boy below him. Luke remembers how soft and warm Michael felt around him as he slowly rocked into the red-headed boy. He remembers the way his name sounded falling from Michael's red lips, and how sweet his boy sounded when he would whimper and moan for him. Luke remembers that this was the night the two boys had finally admitted their love for each other. 

 

Luke remembers how the next year and a half was a blur of touring, interviews, writing, and pure happiness. He remembers that they had just released their sophomore album, and were about to start their second world tour. He and Michael had been dating for nearly two years, and they were so in love. Luke remembers that they had come out in an interview on accident last month, and it was the best mistake Michael has probably ever made. He remembers the insane amount of support the fans gave them, how full of love they were for the young couple. Luke remembers how fucking liberating it was to be able to hold his boyfriend's hand in public, and to be able to post cute pictures is him with a sappy caption (Luke took full advantage of that, his Twitter profile was filled with cute pictures of Michael sleeping). 

 

He remembers the day that he and Calum were walking around in Amsterdam and they came across a ring store. Luke remembers stopping abruptly and looking through the window at all of the rings there. He remembers how Calum gave him huge grin and pulled him inside the shop. Luke was overwhelmed, completely fixated on finding the perfect ring for his perfect boyfriend. He remembers coming across a simple black ring with small diamonds embedded inside of it. Luke remembers feeling all warm and fuzzy inside when he bought the ring. 

 

He remembers how it was nearly the end of the tour and he still hadn't worked up the courage to ask Michael to be his husband. He remembers how he'd made up his mind that he was going to ask him on the last night of the tour, in front of 6,000 people, including some of his closest friends, and family. Calum came up to him the day before the big night and told him that if he ever hurt Michael in any way, he wouldn't be afraid to beat his ass, no matter how much taller and broader he was. Luke remembers being slightly terrified of Calum's threat, but it all dissipated when he was pulled into a tight hug. He remembers that he didn't sleep at all that night. 

 

Luke remembers that he could hear his heart beating loud and clear, even over the ear shattering screams of the fans. He remembers feeling around in his back pocket, probably for the millionth time in the past hour. They had just finished their encore, and were in the midst of taking their final bow. Luke remembers how all the lights went out, and how the fans started screaming impossibly louder. He also remembers Michael trying to feel around for him, looking for his anchor to keep him safe. Luke remembers how when the lights came back on, the spotlight was on Michael him. He remembers the look of shock on Michael's face as he realized Luke was down on one knee with a microphone in one hand, and an open ring box in the other. He remembers how as he continued to talk, voice wavering slightly, Michaels grin only got wider and happy tears fell from those beautiful eyes that he loved so much. Luke remembers that Michael said 'yes'. 

 

He remembers that Michael pulled him up and kissed him so passionately that Luke almost forgot how to breathe. Luke remembers Michael giggling against his lips as he pulled away and held out his small hand for Luke to slide the ring on his finger. The grin on Michael's face as he held up his ring clad hand was enough to light up the whole arena, and Luke was beaming at his fiancé with so much love in his eyes. He remembers how Ashton and Calum nearly tackled them in a group hug. Luke remembers that the night ended in celebration, giggly kisses, and mind blowing sex (Michael was sore for the next few days but it was totally worth it). 

 

Luke remembers wanting to tear his hair out with the stress of wedding planning. He remembers how it wasn't the actual wedding planning that was stressing him out, but was how stressed Michael was about the wedding. He remembers that Michael would stay up into the early hours of the morning, trying to get every last detail exactly right, claiming that he wanted to have the perfect wedding because Luke deserved it. Luke remembers that Michael had lost 15 pounds in the three months before their wedding because of how stressed he was, and that worried Luke to no end.

 

Luke remembers thinking that all of the stress that he and Michael had endured was completely and utterly worth it. His face hurt from smiling and his stomach wouldn't stop doing somersaults as he watched Michael walk down the aisle. He remembers that his hair was a faded lilac color and he was wearing a purple bow tie to match it. Luke remembers thinking that Michael looked like an absolute angel with his shining smile and sparkling eyes. His hands shook slightly as Michael's father gave him away to Luke, but the shaking instantly ceased as soon as Michael placed his small hands into Luke's much larger ones. He remembers how he couldn't stop giggling through his vows, and how Michael couldn't stop the tears flowing out of his beautiful green eyes. Luke remembers the soft gasps when Michael inevitably swore in church and tried to cover it up with a 'fuck I'm so sorry'. He remembers how they slid the rings onto the wrong fingers and accidentally kissed too early. Luke remembers how it was so perfect, so them. 

 

He remembers how Calum cried while giving Michael's best man speech and how Michael made fun of him even though he was crying too. Luke remembers that they had their first dance to 'Never Stop' by Safety Suit, at his request (Michael called him lame but he loved it anyway). Luke remembers thinking that they should've practiced for this dance, because Michael kept stepping on his toes and they both couldn't stop giggling. He remembers the excessive amount of pictures that everyone took of them and how Ashton had documented practically the whole wedding on Snapchat, and he even got them their own geotag. Luke remembers that out of no where their good friends All Time Low began playing an acoustic version of 'Six Feet Under The Stars'. Luke remembers seeing Michael's grin and thinking that this was it for him. He remembers thinking that it was always Michael, that it would always be Michael. 

 

Luke remembers that they went some place up north for their honeymoon, and stayed cuddled up by the fire most of the time. He remembers trying to make snow angels naked, and then whining for 20 because his bum was cold. Luke remembers how they went sledding, and how Michael fell off the sled and ended up breaking his ankle. He remembers carrying Michael all the way up the hill on his back. The honeymoon was cut short but they didn't care all that much. He remembers that despite the injury, Michael said it was the most fun that he'd ever had before. 

 

He remembers that they started writing for the next album a few months after they got back from their honeymoon. Luke remembers driving home after a particularly good writing session. Michael was in the passenger seat, obnoxiously singing to the radio with an ear splitting grin on this face. He remembers looking over at his beautiful grinning husband with the fondest smile. Luke remembers when it all went wrong, the smile on Michael's face quickly turned into a look of horror as Michael shouted something at Luke, but it was all quickly drowned out by a harsh impact and the unmistakable sound of metal on metal. He remembers that everything went hazy. 

 

Luke remembers the pungent smell of split gasoline, and how difficult it was to open his eyes. He remembers how everything was fuzzy for a few seconds before he could piece together what had happened. He remembers looking around for his husband and the sinking feeling in his gut when he couldn't find him. Luke remembers slowly unbuckling himself from the drivers seat and pulling himself through the shattered window. The bits of broken glass cut into his skin but he didn't care, he needed to find Michael. He remembers pulling himself to his feet and forcing himself to walk to the other side of the car. 

 

Luke remembers falling to his knees when he found Michael lying on the ground with a large shard of glass wedged into his side. He remembers pulling Michael into his lap and brushing the bloodstained hair off of his forehead, willing him to wake up. Luke remembers when Michael's eyes slowly fluttered open and those sparkly green eyes finally looked at him. Michael's head was lolling to the side and his breaths were shallow but he managed to keep his eyes on Luke. He remembers how cold Michael's hands were, and how the bloodstain on his shirt was getting progressively larger. Luke remembers Michael weakly coughing up blood and struggling to keep his watery eyes open. Luke shook his head over and over as his tears fell down onto Michael's face, he rocked them back and forth, pleading with Michael to just keep his eyes on him and to stay with him. Luke remembers Michael's fragile hand gently squeezing his, and how his bloody lips offered a weak smile. He remembers that Michael's last words to him were 'I love you'.

 

He remembers screaming as the EMTS ripped Michael's dead body out of his arms. Luke remembers how he had to be held back by three people as they zipped his husband into a body bag. He remembers giving up after that, letting his body fall back against strong arms, as the world went black. 

 

Luke remembers waking up to blindingly bright lights and reaching out, mumbling for Michael to shut the curtains. He remembers how his world crashed and burned around him when he opened his eyes and realized that there wasn't anyone next to him. He stared down at the wires sticking out of his arms, the wires that we're keeping him alive, and he let out a scream as he attempted to rip them from his body. Luke remembers how multiple nurses rushed into the room to restrain him as he sobbed and writhed on the hospital bed. He remembers how he wasn't allowed to be left alone after that, how there was always someone in his room, like his mum, or brothers or Ashton or even Michael's parents. Luke remembers that Calum never came. 

 

He remembers that it was three weeks later that he first saw Calum. Luke remembers that Calum looked like he hadn't slept in days and he smelled badly of cigarettes (Michael helped quit smoking a year ago). It was the day of Michael's funeral and everyone had agreed to meet at the Clifford's house before heading to the church. He remembers that Calum pinned him against the wall as soon as he saw him. Luke remembers the way Calum shouted that it was his fault, that he took his best friend away, that he hated him for all he was worth. He remembers that Calum slowly let go of his suit jacket and his face crumpled as a sob wracked through his body and he collapsed against Luke's chest. Luke remembers wrapping his arms around his husbands best friend and apologizing profusely. He remembers that when it was all over Calum gave him a small sad smile, and he knew it was meant as an apology. 

 

Luke remembers breaking down in the middle of his eulogy for Michael, and how his mum had to bring him outside because he swore he was going to vomit. He remembers that it was the first time he cried since that day in the hospital. After the funeral was over and everyone filtered out of the church, Luke remembers going inside and kneeling before the crucifix and begging God to let him be with Michael, to take him too. He remembers how his prayers weren't answered. 

 

He remembers that he had only been married to Michael for 129 days. Luke remembers the day he first saw Michael, and how despite him throwing a paintbrush at Luke, the thought he was the most beautiful person to ever exist. He remembers how Michael was terrified of flying and that he always needed to hold Luke's hand in order to calm down. He remembers the way Michael looked when he was sleeping, how his lips were parted and his brows always slightly furrowed. Luke remembers that Michael always cried when he watched Simon Birch, and that he liked his popcorn with extra butter and M&Ms in it, and that he always stole some of Luke's food when he thought he wasn't looking. He remembers the sound of Michael's voice when he sang in the shower, and the way he always closed his eyes and leaned back when he would laugh. 

 

Luke remembers everything, from the way Michael would roll his clothes instead of folding them, to how his breathing sounded when he was asleep. His laugh was etched into his mind, and his smile had carved itself into Luke's soul, his sparking green eyes were engraved into the deepest depths of his brain and he couldn't get it out. He remembers it all, and that's the problem. Luke doesn't want to remember anymore. He just wants to forget.


End file.
